A Diary of Fear and Bitterness
by Lucenthia
Summary: A diary following a scared player and her growth as a person throughout the game. Interactions with canonical characters are not the main focus.
1. Chapter 1

21st of November

I'm writing this diary because I don't want to forget who I am. I can see it happen. We'll be trapped in this nightmare of a fantasy world. I'm hoping that if I'm fighting for my life in some distant dungeon, I'll look back and remember what used to be. Maybe I won't lose my humanity. Because as our thinking patterns decrease, so does our humanity. I don't know why I'm writing like this. Ok, I do. Because that hour in starting plaza after Akihiko announced that we were stuck in this game was hell. I was so scared, and so was everyone else. Everyone was screaming and running about. I was crushed in the bodies and was almost trampled. I didn't know which way was left, right, or even up or down. I just knew that there were bodies surrounding me and it was hell. I was so scared, even more scared than when the announcement was actually made, but I pushed my way in one direction and came up for breath, out of a sea of fear and terror. I ran away to the outskirts of town and I spent the night in a tree. I froze, the game simulated temperature of early winter. I thought about my mom, dad, cousins. What would they be feeling? How distressed would they be? I cried more than I ever did thinking about that. And it still feels so strong, like a keen knife in my heart that gets flicked around whenever I think about my family.

The next morning, I had cried myself dry for the moment. The anguish was replaced by depression. When I went back to town and saw that the panic was over. Anger born from fear had replaced it. There were so many people just lashing out at each other. They were already so stressed it was like seeing the barnacled rocks jutting out of the sea after the tide receded.

I knew what I had to do then. I knew that I'd have to climb to the 100th floor, just like Akihiko told us to. Then I'd get out and see my family, so that none of them would cry like they must have that fateful day that seems so long ago already, when they found out that I was, to all effects and purpose, dead.

22nd of November

It's funny that I've only just realized why Akihiko only made craftsman and direct combat classes. I never really thought about it before, but now that I've calmed down I can see that he wanted us to experience the fear and rush of battle as we battle our way up the dungeons. But even without the magical aspect there are still loads of options for classes. I've chosen to use a standard sword with a small buckler. I want to be a soloist. After seeing the reactions of people, I don't want to have anything to do with them. They'd betray me without a second thought if it meant getting to the end. Even if it increases the risk for me, I'd rather just grind and get to a high enough level rather than trust my back with those cowards. I brought a shield (I used the standard issue sword) and went to the dungeon. I've been hearing loads of abuse towards the beta-testers. That they cheated and just left all the helpless victims that were the ordinary players, looting everything, bagging the best grinding spots, all that crap. Fucking bullshit, the whole lot of it. The players wanted someone to blame, so in their cowardice they'd chosen an easy target: Beta testers.

Ok, so I was jealous of them. Who wasn't? They'd had extra experience with this game. But if anything we should be asking them for help, and they should be leading us, not just hiding away because some players just can't take the pressure and need a punching bag. Fuck. This is why I won't have a partner. We act all civilized, but in the face of danger, we turn back into monkeys hiding in our cave. And we'd be greeting danger to its face a whole lot.

But whatever the other garbage that the truth swam in turned out to be, the truth remained the same: the first floor had been cleared by the beta-testers and they had rushed ahead. And that's the kind of person I want to be: Cold, uncaring, and clearing. So what if ignorant idiots hurl abuse at me for not giving tender loving care to the suicidals and the weaklings. All they've done is just add oil to the fire, stir up the resentment. There have already been more than 1000 suicides, and more and more of them just keep on going. The beta-testers haven't been egging on the players who can't face up to reality. Fuck, that really turned into a written rant. But that's just me; In the worst of times, I might start PK'ing people in a paranoid, fear-driven crowd.

I'm working on my skills so I can pass the floor quicker than the others. This floor's around 10 kilometres across, and there were plenty of boars and wolves to practice on. At first I stiffened up and only barely dodged, but after a while the animals started getting predictable and I could kill two or even three at once. I got level-up notifications sometimes, but I didn't check. I then worked on dodging at the last minute and striking a vital point. This was way harder, and I almost had my sword yanked out of my hand. But, I practiced, and had a pretty good success rate of hitting the hamstrings, eyes and neck. It sounded easy but it wasn't. For one thing, it took three days to get to that point, and I must've used all the money from the drops I got on health potions. The pain absorber wasn't that high, and it really hurt when I got rammed in the stomach by a boar, or got my shoulder bit by a wolf. Any time that happened, I just ran out of their agro zone and heal up. I must've had andrenalin run through my brain all those days. I'd gotten pretty confident, and I've now struck level 9.

The worst thing about writing this journal is that I start thinking. I start thinking about my parents, about my cousins, about my friends, about my old life, about the things we used to worry about. I start crying every night without fail, it's pretty embarrassing. Even when I'm writing this journal I'm holding back tears. But crying is better than not thinking. Will some people not think and carry on turning themselves into mindless beasts just to numb the pain? I get so scared, not of dying, but of seeing what other people have turned into. I see monsters in dungeons, but I dread the day when I see monsters wandering the safe zones in the forms of players.


	2. Chapter 2

9th of December

I'm still on the first floor. I really have to grind quicker, but the fatigue plays a big part and I can't grind endlessly like on a normal MMO. I want to get out of here badly, but I don't want to die. I'm not going to go into that dungeon until I know for sure that I won't die. Yeah, cowardly of me, but that's me and anyone who doesn't like that can go screw themselves.

I found a new dungeon with plenty of monsters and a definite absence of players so I spent time there. It was scary. Really scary. There were large wolves with red eyes and drooling. They were berserk. It was a real good thing they came one at a time. It was much faster than a normal wolf, but its patterns were still the same. Both types growl before they commit to headlong charge, so I can definitely score a few hits as it speeds past.

They did this every time I got far away so I just kept my distance.

The trouble is when they get close up. Then they do quicker strikes and I can't predict them in time. I spent a whole day there, and my level rose to level 14. I had to rest a lot, my arms started aching from blocking wolves and swinging a sword. The simulation is really good. These people can say what they want about Akihiko but he is a genius. To be able to program something as realistic as muscle fatigue. I'm seeing the use of the vitality potions now. I brought a couple wondering what they'd do, and they made me more alert, and the aching in my muscles went away. I guess healing potions don't do the fine tuning, only huge gashes. I'm not getting much money with the way I'm buying health and vitality potions, but I'm probably among the highest leveled people in the game.

Not to say I'm one of the best players, my reactions are way too slow for that, and I tend to close my eyes instinctively when anything gets up close (another reason to keep my distance) but I'm not exactly a weakling, and I'm not dependent on anyone else. And that's what matters.

I spent another day down there hunting through the wolves, and I could do it pretty easily. Then I went to the next floor and encountered these golden skinned boars with huge gorillas. That was really scary. I'd never heard something so primal in my life, but the war cries of the gorillas chilled my blood and I just froze. It scored a good punch in my ribs and I went flying into the wall. Luckily, it was the wall with the stairs that I came through and I stumbled up as fast as I could. I rested for a bit, then went back down. Immediately the gorilla came charging at me yelling, and again I froze. I backed away and ran back up the stairs. After that, I stuck to the first floor with the abnormal wolves.

I don't like to lie to myself. I don't like being delusional. What I did wasn't what your knight in shining armour would do. He'd go charging ahead with his heroic team and forge his way up, getting a love interest as he did so. But that wasn't me. I'm not a hero. I'm a coward with the desire to hold on to what I might lose. And the day I lose my cowardice is the day I know I am lost in this world of monsters.


	3. Chapter 3

11th of December

Well, I'm on the second floor now. The dungeon wasn't too hard. The enemies were tougher than the abnormal wolves, but once I got their patterns down, they were ok. The enemies were low level orcs with some armour and a khukri. They left one hand free for some reason. One on one, I could win without needing a health potion. They were quick, but just so long I kept my shield in between us, I could deflect his sword and strike his neck or another vital point. It sounds easy, but I spent a couple of hours on just a few orcs practicing that. And it's not like I can do it right away. These orcs are quick, and its hard to get them into a frenzy where they just batter away at your shield. (Yeah, that is the only time I'm good enough to catch them unawares.) I saw other players looking at me as well. I was the only soloist there. I could feel their judgement, their conviction that I was a beta tester because I was better than them. Pathetic. They were jealous and scared of something they couldn't and didn't want to understand. I did have friends in the old world, but that was under the best conditions. Here, there's no way I'm making friends with any of these scared and most basic humans.

I've obviously been away from people for too long. I went back into Starting City to restock, I needed to restock on potions and the stuff in Starting City was cheaper. But I wish I never went.

When I went into town to look and got a huge shock. There were no craftsman players, only warriors. Of course, there had to be innkeepers and other NPC's in charge of the more menial tasks until they got replaced, and I saw plenty of them. Too bad they were surrounding by a huge-ass mob. I thought I'd never be shocked about by human nature, but these guys proved me wrong. They were using their skills on NPC's; I could see the multi-coloured light issuing from their different blades as they slashed again and again at the NPC's. I just stood there, taking in the brutality. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to. But I won't lie to myself. The players were taking their anger out on the NPC's who couldn't die. They would just torture them until they felt like leaving it, or just got tired. I just couldn't believe it. The NPC's couldn't feel pain, but they could simulate feeling it, and the crowd was loving it. The roars of the crowd sickened me, and I vomitted on the side of the road. Someone clapped me on the back; a tall, muscular man with brown skin. He had a large claymore on his back.

He nodded towards the NPC's "Wanna go have some fun?" His eyes were unfocused and I could see he was getting drunk.

Drunk and enraged, any idiot could see where it might go. I nodded, but tripped him as he went forwards and ran away as fast as I could. When I got to the outskirts of town I looked at the shining sky. It was only a couple of hours past noon. You'd expect something like that to take place in the dark with torches. They'd torture the NPCs then regret what they did afterwards as the rain fell. But they wouldn't. That was how things happened in the stories. They'd feel satisfied, then remember it and pat each other on their backs laughing.

I stumbled, then realized I was crying. I cry a lot, but its better than bottling up your feelings until you forget you had them. I sat down on the ground and just cried, thinking about my past life, trying not to forget it; all the while, listening to the yells of the mob in the town. This really was like a nightmare. I got up and ran away until I couldn't hear the yells and cheering of the players behind me.

**A/N I realize I am embellishing quite a lot here. This obviously didn't and couldn't happen in the book or the anime. But this is supposed fanfic, so hopefully no one will get judgmental. **


	4. Chapter 4

13th of December

I'm not religous (religion's faded into a kind of label in the developed countries) but if I was, and was posed with the question of why God didn't come down and make right every wrong, I now know the answer. Because every time he would think of coming down, he'd be overcome with shame.

I went back to the second floor, camping out in the small forests. There are more monsters there, but more cover. It's safer than lying without cover in the plains, and definitely safer than venturing into the so-called "safe zones". I haven't gone into town since then, surviving on just the weaker monsters. The theme of huge animals we've encountered in real life still holds. There were eagles with wingspans that threw me into shadow whenever we fought. They were hard to do deal with, but luckily I didn't have to fight more than one at once. They way in which I found out how to kill them was actually by accident. I was about to run away the first time, I'd taken a couple of scratches and was nowhere near to hitting it. But then its claws stuck into my buckler, and since the buckler was strapped onto my arm I was dragged up painfully, leaving my entire body exposed. As a claw went in I raised my sword and yelled in fear as I parried.

Kudos to Akihiko again for those genius ideas coupled with that attention to detail. Birds had to be light in order to fly, which meant that their bones and everything else had to be extremely light. I struck up at the claw and it gave easily. I dropped and almost sprained my ankle as I landed awkwardly. I threw my buckler at the eagle and hit it in the chest. Even though the buckler was heavy and the eagle was less than a metre from me, the fragility of its bones still astounded me. After I killed one, I immediately levelled up.

After that I decided to steer away from the spawn point of the eagles. I could deal with them, but the damage to my buckler was enormous. The durability was almost halved, and I didn't want my buckler to break. I definitely didn't want to go into the town again. Would I see simulated blood? Just how good was Akihiko? With that resolution, I headed to the dungeon leading to the next floor.

I went in, and there were quite a few beta-testers there they've made a pact between them and are helping each other go up. I don't trust them, the alliance is just temporary and they would betray every single one of their teammates if it would get them further in the game. I'd made a vow to myself never to stick next to another player, and I might as well get started.

Of course, that leaves me in a dilemma. Do I stay with the untrustworthy hardened clearers, or with the unstable, pathetic players. It's never seemed clearer now (yeah, pun intended. Hilarious, right?) that I'm not part of any group. Seeing everything as it is sets me apart from everyone, who are all under some sort of delusion.

I'm going to stick with the players. It's because I'm stronger than the players, and can kill them if any of them try anything towards me. Plus, I don't want to get caught up in the group mentality of rushing into danger for the thrill of it. I'm not going to risk my life along with the rest charging in there just because I'm arrogant.


	5. Chapter 5

16th of December

My opinion of other people's been changed. I was terrified of them the day of the riots, but now I'm just disgusted. I went back on edge, even more alert than if I was entering a dungeon, but I just saw players walking about with their heads low. They were ashamed.

Ashamed of what they'd done, ashamed of what they'd done because they were scared and ignorant and stupid and idiotic and retarded! I really hated them. I was pretty close to PK'ing the nearest person, but I restrained myself. I wondered if the people would just forget about it and try to pretend like it never happened. Gritting my teeth, I walked in and brought supplies, then headed for the 2nd floor dungeon as quickly as possible. I didn't get to the third floor though. Apparently vitality potions only deadened the fatigue, and Akihiko had worked in a way for the players to feel stiff muscles. I wasn't as quick as I had been, and I took a few hits from the orcs in the dungeon. I tried to rest and keep going, but I could see I would run out of healing potions soon. I also took a deeper wound to my leg when I got careless and I had to use vitality potion to quicken my reflexes and dull the pain in my leg to finish off the orc.

After that I sat down and rested while I watched the other players try to go up. I saw a couple of groups go up, then saw a huge tide of players rush up the stairs. Typical. These players were too scared to go up on their own and weren't good enough to go up in the first wave, so this was their solution. I had to admit, it got them up to the next floor without losing any lives, and if it cleared out the town then that made it all the better for me.

I limped out of the dungeon and decided to work on my sword skills. I hadn't up to know because I just wanted to get a feel for the battle system, but now it seemed like I needed the skills to get past. I teleported back to the first floor and started to work on the boars. I tried to use sonic leap, but doing it in the training hall in town, and doing it when a boar was charging at you are two different things. I had to do a weird movement with my sword, but I always either tensed up or rushed it when the enemy came at me, and I always just ended up killing it without using any skills.

But after a day or two, I could execute the skill pretty easily.


	6. Chapter 6

19th of December

You know, sometimes I don't know if all this hatred towards people is fake or not. Reading back it all seems pretty clear cut, and anyone reading it would probably think that I'd sit back and watch players get killed, even if I knew I could save them.

But I don't. How do I know that? Because I have a partner sleeping right next to me in the inn of the third floor.

I really don't know why I keep him. It's not like I'm attracted to him or anything. I was practicing my sonic leap skill when it upgraded to sonic dash. It's basically two consecutive sonic leaps but stronger. Practicing it for two days must've upgraded it quickly.

Then some guy approached me from behind and said "Hey, pretty strong." His eyes were opened wide and his hands were in his pockets. I could tell instantly that he'd want to be friends with me (as if friends could be so easily made with the press of a button) and then go up the tower until he found another guild willing to take him on.

"No." I said, and started to walk away.

The player scrambled after me, his shoulder-length, brown hair flapping about in the simulated wind. Akihiko really was good at this. To even be able to simulate wind.

"Hey, come on." He was pleading. "We'd be good together." Yeah, like a begger and money. "I'm just going to follow you until you say yes." He called out as I walked to the second floor dungeon. The idiot apparently thought that that kind of 'determination' was going to sway me. It wasn't. And it didn't.

We'd gotten to the entrance of the dungeon, and instead of facing all the enemies, I used sonic dash to run past all the enemies. I hoped I'd lost him but he was good at running away as well and he was only a few metres behind me. He'd drawn two knives and was catching up. He must've focused on his dexterity stat to suit his choice of weapon. I was running but I almost ran into a pillar looking back at him. I gritted my teeth as more orcs spawned in front of me. I executed sonic leap this time, going for accuracy over speed. If I ran into an orc on the second thrust I'd lose all speed and actually have to fight. I got past the next batch and kept on running. By now I was getting short of breath, and I looked back to see the other guy keeping up with me, along with all the other orcs that I'd skipped over.

Now I was a little scared. For now I was still faster than the orcs, but if the end of the section didn't come up soon, I'd be overtaken by what seemed like a horde of orcs. There were probably 15-20, but back then they looked like a whole army. You would've thought that after weeks here I would've gotten used to Akihiko's genius, but who the hell could've simulated adrenalin rush. I ran ahead, and saw a flight of stairs signalling the end of this section. I sprinted towards it and ran up as quick as I could. When I got to the end I sat on the ground, panting.

It took me a while to realize that the other guy was right next to me. His name's Jaden. I didn't know this at the time, but it's annoying to type "the other guy" over and over again, so I'll call him Jaden even though I didn't know it at the time.

Jaden looked over to me and asked "So did I pass?"

Idiot. "That wasn't a test." I replied.

Jaden just smiled. "Oh yeah, it was pretty obvious you were trying to lose me."

I glared at him. "So why do you think that was a test?"

Jaden' smile didn't waver and he shrugged. "To see if I can keep up. And now that you see I can, you'll accept me as your teammate."

I looked away, keeping eye contact was giving me a crick in my neck. "If you can run around like that, why do you need someone else?"

"To cover me." He replied. "To be a tank while I finish them off. We'd make a good team." His smile broadened.

What he meant was that he wanted to use me as a human shield. He still probably does. At that point I decided that there wasn't any point in talking. I actually don't know why I talked to him in the first place. I got up and continued forward, Jaden following along, of course.

After that we made our way steadily up. Both of us were pretty capable, and in small bunches the orcs weren't any match for us. In a pretty short gap of time, we'd gotten past three sections. We didn't need to map anything, the clearers that had rushed in here had helped us and made the map public. With this in hand, we made quick progress, and only needed to use health potions occasionally. I had to admit, Jaden was useful.

I hesitated over typing the word useful. It makes it seem like I'm using Jaden. But I don't think I could've typed in anything else. Not something that would've sounded awkward and like I was trying to hide something up, which would've been worse.

Anyways, we approached the end of the dungeon and selected the option to skip the boss option. After that, we walked out into the moonlight and found ourselves in the middle of a town on the third floor.

**A/N: Sorry about the double posting of the last chapter. Everything should be fixed. **


	7. Chapter 7

26th of December

Not much's happened since. The clearers didn't clear the floor by the time we got there, and the maps hadn't been that widespread. On top of that, I didn't feel like going into a dungeon filled with cowards and assholes. Of course, it doesn't matter where I go, I have a first class coward trailing along with me. But I don't mind him, because he doesn't lie to himself. I called him out when he was drinking so I could feign tipsiness, but he just agreed "Course I am. Always have been, even in the real world. Plenty of people like that. So what?"

I didn't say anything, but I guess I'm letting him tag along. So we've been grinding in this misty forest. The visibility's lower but we haven't gotten lost. I think what I find most annoying about Jaden is his ability to smile all the time. Even when we're walking through town to resupply, he has his smile plastered on his face. I really can't stand it, so I don't look at him often.

We're going to try the dungeon tomorrow. Well, to be more accurate, I feel like trying out the dungeon tomorrow and Jaden'll tag along without fail. There're a couple of new weapons in the shops, but I don't need them. In any case, I've constantly been using all my money on vitality and health potions, so I couldn't afford them. I've only just been scraping by on the money for the inn as it is.

3rd of January

I don't know whether to be scared or satisfied that I'm not scared when I go into the dungeon. I also don't know what the fact that I feel Jaden' absence means. And I don't like not knowing. That didn't happen before, so if that happens, then I've changed. In only one month. That's awfully quick, much quicker than I thought. Of course, I could just be overreacting, but I don't know. And I don't like not knowing. Anyways, I'm rambling. Jaden and I were in the dungeons for the past few days, and we mapped out quite a bit. We decided to do the go-as-far-as-you-can-in-one-direction approach, and we mapped out the area around the wall on the right.

For some reason, Jaden didn't take pride in his speed. Which was weird. Everyone takes pride in something, it gives them something to hold onto. I'm no different, I take pride in my superiority, which most people call arrogance. But Jaden didn't. He seemed to dislike running about with that high agility of his. But I didn't ask. Everyone has secrets, and I found that out just today.

He came running towards me and told me we had to go back down to Starting City. I must've looked really judgemental because he quickly explained and he did it concisely. That's not something that comes easy to him. He said that a group of players calling themselves The Army had established themselves and meant to help everyone on the first floor stay safe. Good for them. Altruistic intentions are always nice until it turns on its head like communism did. They were facing an opposing group, a group made of religious fanatics. Well, religious people turned fanatic. They had been reconciling all their different relgions in a different attempt, and even after a month their beliefs were still flimsy. But what they had realised was that there was no heaven or reincarnation. Since their souls were trapped in an ungodly machine, their souls would keep on cycling around in the system as long as they were trapped. The solution? To commit mass suicide.

Well, fuck. And what did Jaden want to do? He wanted to go help one of his friends who had been caught up in the mass fucking revelation. He looked at me, like he expected me to go with him, but seriously? We'd worked together unwillingly for just over a week, did he think that that entitled me putting out my neck for him? I told him to go if he wanted to, and the expression on his face was scary. I can recall it so well. It was like he'd been broken from the inside, and just one touch would have shattered him. It was like he just realized I was a monster he had been travelling with.

And then he left.

Fuck him for making me feel like this. Who the fuck was he to control my feelings like this. Am I really the monster he thinks I am? I've always been uncaring about others, was this the monstrosity inside me?

Fuck.

I just really don't know. Jaden'll fail of course, there's no way he'll be able to convince someone who's so dead set on delusion. But if I went, I could save his life. But why should I he'll just end up betraying me again. I just don't know.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I have a confession to make. Some readers may have noticed the ambiguity regarding the narrator's gender, and that would be because until yesterday I myself had not decided on the narrator's gender.**

**She is a girl. **

**She is a girl, and sorry for any confusion that this might have caused**

6th of January

So much for my icy-cold demeanour. I went and tried to get Jaden out of there for all the good it did. Bastard. I thought he was stronger than that, but he can't just live with the knowledge that he'll never get his friend back. Will he stay and suicide there with the rest? I thought he'd be stronger than that, but right now, I don't know.

I slept alright the night Jaden left, Akihiko made it so that we slept the moment we pressed the command. But it felt weird with Jaden gone, almost like I'd gotten attached. It's ironic because at first I felt uncomfortable sleeping next to him. I didn't know if rape was possible but I really hesitated on the sleeping front. But now... It's hard to admit it, but maybe I did get a little attached. I don't know why I decided to go to starting city. I could probably rationalize the reason now, but maybe that was a situation that couldn't be rationalized. It's funny. Before I played SAO, I always thought everything had a reason, and everything could be explained with logic. But I guess that goes out the window with people. Why is everyone so complicated?

I went back down to starting city, and it looked bad. The first thing I noticed was a load of people from The Army pointing their spears at me. "Starting city is not welcome to outsiders." The leader said. "Leave now."

"I've come to find someone." I replied. I tried to be steady, but the word "friend" stumbled on my tongue and I must've sounded really hesitant. The guard said something else, but the general gist was GTFO. I swung my sword and used Sonic Leap to dash past a guard on the side. Idiots. I used two consecutive Sonic Dashes to run into the streets and lose them. I had just stopped and was thinking that getting on Jaden's friend list might not have been a bad idea when I was suddenly surrounded by a dozen of robed figures.

"State your name and purpose, disbeliever." They all had the basic weapons and a decent variety of them. Swords, spears, whips, knives, whatever.

I raised my arms. "I'm looking for someone." I didn't stumble over the word "friend", now I knew what was coming. "His name is Jaden. He uses knives, high dexterity..."

The robed figures looked at each other "How does a disbeliever know someone of such high faith?"

I frowned. Jaden definitely wasn't religious. Maybe he'd just pretended to be a lost converted lamb. If he did that, he might be smarter than he looked. I didn't say anything, that seemed to be the smartest decision. There was more murmuring and one of them stepped forward. "I shall bring you to Jaden, disbeliever, but we will need to hinder your sight so that none may trespass onto our holy ground."

Yeah, I had to put up with a lot of bullshit like that, but I didn't think they'd attack me. That would obviously be going against their religion of peace and the sanctity of life, and never mind that the ultimate goal of their faith was to kill themselves, since that would all be under the pretext of faith.. I obeyed and they led me through the town. We went down some steps and the hood was taken off. I was in a small room that was only lit by a couple of torches. Yeah, not cliche at all. I looked around and saw Jaden looking at me.

"Some privacy please?" I asked. One of them took a step forward but Jaden waved a hand at him. "Please leave us for some minutes." The guys looked at him, but they didn't say anything and cleared out the room.

"Since when did you learn how to speak fantasy style english?" I asked. He smiled. "Great to have you here." He said.

"So did you convince your friend?" I asked him, knowing what he'd say. As expected, he looked away, words weren't needed.

"So why are you still here?" I asked. Again, he looked away, and words weren't needed either.

"You can't save your friend." I said, glaring at him. "What do you want to do, tie him up and drag him out of here?"

He shrugged, but I got a response out of him. "He doesn't deserve to die like this, delusioned, and fighting for the wrong cause."

What an idiot. Did he not realize that the "right" cause was one of the most subjective things on the planet? And if he was this weak-minded, then he did deserve to face the consequences of his beliefs.

I told him this, and he drew his dagger and pointed it at me. Empty gesture. No one could kill one another in these safe zones. That brought another question up, how was Jaden's friend die if everyone was in the safe zone?

Dragging the whole story out of Jaden was frustrating and looking back I'm amazed that I didn't lose patience and walk out. The gist was, not only were the Pathfinders (that's what they called themselves) think that killing themselves would free them from this nightmare, they also thought that it was their own duty to free every other player who refused to be convinced. They'd blocked up the dungeon on the way up, and killed dozens of players who tried to go up, and the Army was about to go to the dungeon to fight against him. The ones who brought me here along with Jaden were "spies", although I took it to mean they were too scared to fight. Not much infiltration was needed, the Army would attack sometime soon, and since there was only one entrance, it was easy to keep watch.

I wonder if knocking people unconscious is possible in this game. If Akihiko could simulate all this, would he have factored that in? It would've made everything a lot simpler. Except that Jaden would've just ran back down if there was time, or sit around thinking it was his fault everything. He had to see for his own eyes that his friend would never come back. Not if he was deluded to that point.

And he did.

Moments like these really remind me why I shouldn't stick with people. And I didn't, until this son of a bitch came and screwed with me. Yeah, it sounds selfish and it is. I never denied that everything I did was to keep complications out of my life, and to get back to those who really were important to me. And I still don't know why he's here with me now.

The next day, we went to the caves and saw every religious bastard with half a pair of balls carrying a sword, and going on about how they'd liberate everyone on the 1st floor. But anyone with half a brain cell could see that these idiots were scared shitless. They'd occupied corners and set up barricades in the corridors of the dungeon, (not a bad strategy except for the fact that they were outnumbered and outclassed by the Army) but they'd crumble the moment the Army got into them. And I still had no idea how the hell I was going to get Jaden out of there. He'd have to see he'd never get his friend back, even when he was about to die. Unfortunately, if his friend was about to die, we would as well. Fuck. Why did I have to die for this guy. There was no way I was going to die for him. This wasn't a shounen or some movie, I wasn't going to have some master plan that'd save everyone. I was just some useless human who couldn't save anyone. And I won't lie to myself. I couldn't save anyone. It would be like World War One, when the British realized their prize calvary was useless. These Pathfinders would find that their "faith" was useless, and when they realized, they would crumble. They would not win, they were outnumbered 4 or 5 to 1. So I turned away and teleported back up to the inn.

And for the first time since I met Jaden, I cried.


	9. Chapter 9

10th of January

Jaden's back, and he's much gloomier than usual. Suits me, I still don't understand why he'd go to such lengths for a friend, and I'm surprised he got out of there in time. To be honest, I was really angry the day I teleported away. Angry at myself, and angry at Jaden for making me feel all this. It'd be so much simpler if I hadn't met him. I never got why there were so many girls who dreamt of a tragic romance; if it hurt this much just to have a friend, I didn't even want to think about love.

I went into the dungeon angry and just fought and fought. I must've gotten loads of looks from the other players. I tested out a new sword that I got, it was cheaper because it had a darkness attribute that decreased defense, but it increased attack and I didn't really care that much at the time. I immediately got a new sword skill, slant. It's a one-hit darkness skill. Like a normal slash but around 4-times as powerful as a normal slash. The movement's more complicated than the Sonic serial skills though, so there are always a couple of times where I fail to carry out the skill. That always costs me a chunk of my HP. I'd saved up a bit of money but it was all gone with the purchase of the sword, and I barely had enough for health and vitality potions. I'm pretty ashamed to say that my technique got really wild at the end. Like I just needed something to swing at because I was just angry. Thank you, Jaden.

He came at the end of the second day. He walked up to me and didn't say anything. His eyes and the absence of a friend said it all. We didn't talk, just ordered his room and went back up to them. The next day we went into the dungeon and got a sizable chunk of the map down but neither of us talked to each other. It's what I'd always wanted, so why did I feel like something was missing, like I'd gotten used to Jaden's usual chatter.

Damn, I guess I got attached to him. What a pain. But we still worked well together; me charging in front, and Jaden darting in and out. The enemies were still orcs, but they were bigger and had better armour. I guess there is a limit to the imagination of Akihiko, and they had to do some slight variations on the enemies. They're not as scary anymore, partly because I'm feeling sorry for myself, partly because I'm feeling the bad vibes coming off Jaden.

He finally came out with it this morning. We were in the inn eating breakfast, but he had this serious expression on his face, and he had to make a couple of false starts before he actually started talking.

His friend was the leader of a guild he was in when this whole mess started. They'd practiced a lot, and were pretty good players in another MMO they'd played. They went in ahead of the first batch of clearers, to test the waters. The moment I heard this I could tell where this story was going. Sure enough, Jaden went on to say that they'd gone in pretty deep and were about to head back when the triggered some more mobs. These weren't special or anything, there were just a little more than usual. They went to fight, and one of them got careless and took a serious hit. That distracted everyone and half of them got hit as well. They made to run away but that was a huge mistake and most of them got cut down from behind. The only ones who got away was the leader, and Jaden. He still hated himself for running away and not dying with the rest of his guild.

The leader was guilty and full of self-hatred, excellent candidate for the leader of some crackpot religion, and that was exactly what he became. He was one of the ones who created the whole idea of suiciding and killing everyone else to save them. Jaden didn't say this last bit explicitly, he just looked away and mumbled something. But I could work out what he meant fine.

I still don't know what exactly happened down there those days ago. But after the story I slipped away saying I wanted to see what was in the shops, and went down to Starting City. I asked the Army why the ban on coming to Starting City was up, and they said that there was just some matters that needed to be attended to, and that everything was ¨sorted". With a sinking feeling in my heart, I went back up to Jaden.

**A/N: I suspect that some readers might be a little disappointed at the anti-climatic ending to this. I can add more action to the story if you want, if so just post a review. The reason I'm having a lack of action is because I wanted to focus more on the narrator, but I could do that with more action.**

**Thanks, and enjoy!**


	10. Chapter 10

16th of Febuary 2023

I hadn't thought to include the year in here. I just thought there was no way we'd be trapped in this game for so long. Nothing much's happened. And it's all the same. Kill monsters, sleep in inn, kill monsters, sleep in inn, repeat for a month.

Every day I wonder why Jaden is with me. We got offers from other guilds ages ago, and all of them were stronger than just me. They wanted Jaden's speed and my presence as one of the few females around. Idiots.

Sometimes I think he's doing it because he cares about me. Of course, then reality kicks in and I realize that there was no reason for Jaden to care for someone like me. I wonder if Jaden's presence has changed me or if it's just the onset of time. I really have become hardened to all this. At least I predicted that one correct. But I don't enjoy fighting. I've never lost track of my goal: to one day meet up with my parents and those who are precious to me. But the thought that I've become one of the monsters that I've feared from the start seeps in. I've seen quite a few players die. I could have stepped in and saved them but I didn't because I was scared that they might become like Jaden, or scared that I might be betrayed by them, stabbed in the back after giving them aid.

So I let them die.

And what does that make me? Have I turned into the monster I feared to. It would be hilariously ironic if I became a monster because of my fear of it. Yeah. Really fucking hilarious.

It hurts. The doubts, the anger, everything. Does Jaden help me through this? I'm not going to lie, it's possible. Maybe he's just this constant who'll never betray me. Right. No way I'm deluding myself like that. It's more, well, I don't know what it is, if he is helping me. He started talking a couple of days after the mass suicide incident coming up, and by the end of the week he was his old self, and we'd settled back into the chatterbox-silent guy routine.

I've changed. But I don't think it's for the worst. I'm not scared anymore, and I would be without Jaden. Lessening my fear's a double-edged sword though, and sometimes I don't know if being scared is good or bad. We're on the 15th floor now. Jaden hides it but I think he still holds a grudge against the Army. They're playing a pretty big part in the clearing of the floors, opening the way for the real clearers to come in and beat the boss. I find their arrogance a little off-putting, but I find everyone off-putting for some reason or another. I'm level 28, and Jaden's only one level before me. We grind quite a bit outside the dungeon so we don't get caught up in the initial rush of clearers and the Army. As a result, we're probably stronger than quite a few of the clearers, although they'd probably outstrip us in skill.

Jaden's just gone to get dinner. I said I'd join him but I don't feel like eating. All this writing's made me slightly depressed, and it's not that first time I haven't done something I said I would.

24th of March, 2023

We've just moved up to the 16th floor. Great. 84 more floors to go. The boss wasn't too hard, especially with all the clearers with us. I noticed that the players did this switching technique to catch the boss off balance. I never really bothered learning it because I always thought I'd be on my own. It looks pretty useful though.

The boss was a huge lizardman with lots of minions that came at us, slavering jaws and all. We didn't have spectacular roles, just killing lizardmen as they came at us. The Army helped as well, I guess. They helped clear out the way to the boss so we didn't get tired. We got to see some famous swordswoman, Asuna. At first I thought she was just famous because of her looks, but she was good. Her dexterity was almost as high as Jaden's, but she was fearless, and didn't waver once as she danced in and out of the lizardman's axe.

I've levelled up the sonic serial skills, I've been on the third stage, Sonic Gale, for a while. I've actually been using it more as a technique to run away and get breathing space, I have Dark Aura from my sword as an offensive skill. The only problem is that it takes a long time to prepare and I still screw up the movement to execute the sill beforehand, so I've also learnt the Vorpal Strike skill for moderate AOE damage.

Even though we didn't bag the huge exp the boss left, we got to around 80% on our levels from killing all the lizardmen. We read in the stories how the protagonist would always feel worry for their close friend, but I didn't see any of that. Not surprising of course, and I don't know why I had to mention it. But I wondered briefly what it'd be like to have someone worrying about you. Would it be implied that you'd worry about each other and collectively get distracted? I'm getting increasingly worried that I'm thinking about that kind of stuff, the stuff that implies needing someone else.

Oh well, the 16th floor's themed like a quaint continental Europe town, and it's pleasant to be in. We'll see what tomorrow brings and face it, although I'm willing to bet it'll be the same routine.

**A/N: So, I included two diary entries into one chapter. That's because the story's going to go through a bit of a time lapse now until the next arc. The arc itself won't be too long though. The next few diary entries are sort of bridging the gap between the two arcs, and also illustrating a couple of the changes the protagonist's going through, so that's why they are a little shorter.**

**Enjoy!**


	11. Chapter 11

19th of April, 2023

There's a lot of friction going on between the Army and the clearers lately. I think it's kind of funny, sort of like mom telling the kids to be safe when both of them know they're in a war zone. Don't get me wrong, I think what the Army's been doing is great. They've gotten good enough to clear out bosses themselves, and I think they really provide a service to all the clearers by being a meat shield for those who can actually do things. But the Army's been saying for a while that the clearers are immature, battle-crazed maniacs who risk their own safety for the sake of clearing floors. It's true, but the Army's saying that like it's a bad thing. If we were all timid like them, we'd be cowering on the first ten floors and never make our way home.

Their solution is to swarm the boss en masse and kill it with minimal injuries. It's good in theory but you'd never level up in a group that large, and they'll quickly fall behind in terms of levels. In a normal world they'd be better keeping the peace in the lower levels. Slums and everything else it entailed. I sometimes wonder what the situation is like down there, if there are anymore mass suicides, or if there are kids down there; but, being around Jaden hasn't made me that caring. I just have to focus on what's important. That's what I always tell myself when I see people in trouble and don't help them no matter what Jaden says; that's why I don't resent the guards for "intruding" on the clearers, even though the front lines don't really belong to anyone.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if I saved the people I could. We see on average a group a week that needs help, and I don't know how many of them survive. Jaden doesn't like it but I've made it clear to him that I do what I want and he's following me, not the other way around. But would they be grateful and follow us? maybe they'd just thank us and leave. Or would they feel insulted that we thought they needed help? I know this curiosity is a symptom of my wanting to help people, but I can't weaken or waver. Is this what curiosity what my younger brother felt when he started to jack off? The desire for something new he knew was forbidden?

I'm pretty sure some guys are doing it. I'm starting to realize Akihiko had some really sick sense of humor, even factoring in the feeling of an orgasm. I was scanning through the whole menu, and saw the switch for Ethics Mode. I asked Jaden about it bluntly, and he just looked away and talked about dinner. I actually find it kind of funny, but the knowledge that rape actually is possible kills it. Jaden would say I'm paranoid, but it isn't paranoia if there isn't a decent possibility it'll happen. Thousands of guys with only hundreds of girls, who knows how long we'll be here? Maybe we'll keep up the pretence of decency now, but in two, three, four years, who knows?

It's funny, I haven't cried when I thought of my family for a while now. Now that I think about it, I stopped crying after I met Jaden. It wasn't like he comforted me or anything, he just distracted me so I didn't think about them. After that it was more pride, not wanting to show him that I was weak and pitiful underneath. And after that the wound had scabbed over and I felt guilty about crying after all Jaden went through. I think I was just too scared the first month after the announcement. I'm not going to stay by rules I set myself when I was terrified. I have to change or else I will crack like those who committed suicided. They couldn't accept that their world had changed. I am strong enough to do that. I have to be.

22nd of May, 2023

Well, some people are fucked. As in, the Army. Don't these idiots read anything? It said specifically in the manual that the 25th, 50th, 75th, and 100th floor bosses would be extremely hard, but did anyone listen? No, they just went in and I can just see all the clearers raging at Akihiko for his dirty tricks because they're too immature to admit they're wrong.

Jaden just told me that he hasn't seen me look that cynical in ages. I guess cynicism is my defence when shit's about to go down. The tension really built up between the Army and the clearers prior so I did kind of see this coming. The Army really is stupid, maybe because there are just so many of them so the stupidity compounds off each other, or maybe because the noble cause of all the saving damsels in distress drew every testosterone-filled incompetent into a huge group. Then we have the clearers who are arrogant and testosterone-filled as well, but at least they are competent arrogant testosterone-filled players. That competence lowers the bragging and posturing and posing that goes on in the Army since the incompetents there are too insecure to do anything but bluster. Anyways, with all that stupidity fermenting there, it was easy for them to be provoked to doing something idiotic, like, I'm not sure, charging the 25th floor all by themselves.

The boss room isn't found yet, but it's only a matter of time, and this time that Army wants dibs on the glory of beating the 25th boss. They charged up there today and said that within the week, they would advance onto the next floor.

I'm not sure if it was all orchestrated by some of the clearers. Definitely not Heathcliff's bunch, they're way too honourable for that. But I could definitely see some of the clearers with brains working out that getting the Army to charge the boss while they mopped up would minimize our losses and get rid of a huge thorn in our side. I used to be fine with the Army, but lately they've been getting cocky, thinking they can storm everything because they have justice on their side in the form of making sure everything down on the bottom is alright. They thought they had the right to command clearers because they represented civilization, but the clearers, me included, thought that they were a bunch of pussies who grouped together and used the front of justice to hide their incompetence.

We're not sure exactly when and what happened, but when we woke up today all the people in the Army were gone, and there wasn't much guessing as to where. We looked around the lower floors, and everyone on the 15th floor above had been drafted into that suicide mission. There's a lot of mobilizing of clearers, they're calling all clearer guilds anywhere near this floor and they're going to charge the boss 's been running around helping with that, but I'm not too sure if I even want to be around the dungeon.

**A/N: Well, that's the next chapter. Special thanks to my new beta-reader, Desdendelle, for pointing out lots of mistakes, commenting on my story, and raising the quality of the story in general.**

**I suppose this is the build-up to the next arc is over, and the action section of the arc starts. Hope you enjoy!**


	12. Chapter 12

23rd of May, 2023

Well, I'm a coward, and Jaden isn't.

Call the news people for that huge revelation. But Jaden actually has changed. He used to hate himself for living, but after the whole Pathfinder massacre he actually put that behind him. Now that's one way to get rid of survivor's guilt: put him through an even more traumatic experience and make him realize you only live once. Well in all fairness, that's probably not why Jaden's had this change of heart, but right now I really wish he was still a coward.

First off, there's no way I'm going into that boss area. We might have the most clearers assembled ever, but there are always casualties; A small percentage that makes people think it's fine. I'm not going to be a casualty, as they so coldly reword a death, and neither is Jaden. I told him that I wasn't going to go to the dungeon and he just looked at me wide-eyed, like he couldn't believe what I was saying. I guess it must have been a bit of a surprise as I've always wanted to be on the front lines. A little weird for someone saying he just wants to see his family again. Does that mean I actually don't, that I live for the thrill of battle?

No.

I refuse to believe that. There has to be some other reason. Maybe it's pride, just me not wanting to say I had to rely on someone to get out. But I can feel myself just scrambling for an answer and failing. I always succeed in depressing myself whenever I start to write this damn journal, and it makes me wonder what the point of keeping it up is. I've already seen how futile it is to not change myself, we have to change or we'll snap just like the Pathfinders. So why do I hold on?

Back to the topic, I told Jaden he could do what he wanted, but I'd be hiding out somewhere else. I'd kept track of decent hiding places, and I told him I'd go to a so called haunted forest on the 17th floor. It wasn't like I needed to pick an actual one this time, but I didn't want any clearers seeing me hiding out on their way to glory as they beat the 25th boss. I went, actually wondering what Jaden would do, but in retrospect there wasn't much to think about. Jaden's always stuck with me, through thick and thin, no matter what happens. I used to ask him if he wanted to leave constantly the first month after the Pathfinder incident, but he kept on saying no. And he's said no this time as well.

We've camped out in the hollow of a large tree and we're just sitting there. He's had his head down and just staring at the inside of the trunk. I'm going through the items we have just to relieve the feelings inside me. I don't know if it's boredom, guilt, self-hatred, or whatever. The last two are new, and I'm sure they, along with a plethora of other feelings came along with Jaden.

What's going to happen now between me and him? Will he leave me because he's gotten sick of my decision-making? People seeing me must think I'm made of ice; implacable, immovable, logical. But I'm not. I'm just feeling so many emotions as I go through all of this. And the thought of Jaden leaving me just hurts so much, like there are a dozen baby lizardmen running about in my intestines. Jaden has changed me. I've gone from scared, hating and decisive to torn, dithering, vulnerable. And this is what people call "being human?" Bullshit. Why does being human have to include being vulnerable to betrayal, disappointment, fear of loss. Why should I be open to harm like that, and why does so much of me want to be vulnerable to other people, Jaden in particular?

**A/N: Sorry if this wasn't the epic 25th boss battle you were hoping for. But don't worry, more stuff will happen soon. Thanks again to Desdendelle for proofreading my story.**


	13. Chapter 13

23rd of May, 2023

Well, I'm a coward and Jaden isn't.

I knew that, but I never thought that Jaden was courageous. The man who went down to try and save his friends from the Pathfinders wouldn't have done that. Leaving me must have taken a different kind of determination.

I woke yesterday morning and he was gone. I don't want to go into my reaction when it finally hit home, but it was pretty embarrassing. I hadn't cried like that since the time I saw the NPCs' being attacked. Anyways, that was yesterday. That night, I got a message from him. Not a PM, he'd removed himself from my friends list, but he'd left a timed message in my inventory. I can remember it so clearly, it just stands out so much against the usual blabber of killing, attacking, and climbing.

"Hey, Angela, it's me." Unnecessary and fluff-filled to the end. Who else would it be? And since when did he use my name? He never used it, there wasn't anyone else to confuse me with.

"I guess you're wondering why I did this. I'd been thinking about it for a while, whether it might break you beyond repair, but you're stronger than that. I'm not talking about the strength you show to the public, but the strength inside that you still haven't really drawn upon yet." He sighed and I could picture him running his hand through his head as he said this.

"Damn, this is coming out all wrong. Look, the reason I'm leaving you is actually the reason I was with you all this time. You're scared and you're cruel because of it. I could see you aren't as scared as when we first started, but you're still as rigid, like a spire that'll fall down at any moment. And I could see that you'd fall soon." Here, he sighed again.

"I admit that I wanted to be with you at first because I needed a tank, but I saw how broken you were under that glass skin." He laughed. "OK, this is sounding really wrong. Suffice to say I was with you because I wanted you to see the beauty in things, not just the potential for ugliness. Just like I saw the beauty in you."

He laughed again. "If you were anyone else, I wouldn't dare say anything like that, but I'm pretty sure you won't get it now. Don't travel alone, you'll just go back to being that hating player you've always feared you were. But you're not a monster, I know what you think but you're not. You're just seeing the faults that may arise inside you, just like you do with everyone else. But I've seen the beauty in you for a while, and that's what you need to do as well. Come find me when you've figured out why I've stayed with you. I'll be on the front lines, but I won't risk my life. I won't die until I see you again, and that's a promise."

Here he paused, as if in indecision, then continued. "My real name's Daniel. I'm telling you this because I don't want you to think I betrayed you. I still trust you, and I know you could make it to the top, but if you do what will you have left? So when you've figured out what I'm feeling and why I'm doing all this, find me and call me that. Bye for now."

That was it. His parting message. He's right on a lot of things. For one thing, I don't know what he meant about him seeing the beauty inside me. I've never been one to care about that. He's right about a lot of other things, but that's not important. What's important is deciding what I have to do next. First of all, I'm never going to call Daniel Jaden again. Jaden was some naive kid who just tagged along and tore me up inside; Daniel's the person who's come closer to understanding me than anyone I've met.

Second, where should I go from here? Normally I'd keep on heading up, disregarding everyone and everything, but that's not what Daniel would want. It's hard to believe I've changed so much, but it just so happens that what Daniel wants is what's best for me, and that's what I want too. That's what he's always wanted. So I'll keep going up, and hope I run into him. I don't want to find him without knowing what he meant, so I'll take my time. But I will solve his riddle and meet up and together we'll conquer this tower and kick the ass of everyone who stands in our way.

**A/N: so, that's that. About the names, I'm not sure if too many people will mind if they are western. Hopefully not. Thanks again to Desdendelle for proofreading. Enjoy!**


	14. Chapter 14

30th of May, 2023

I've changed. Well, I knew that from the moment I read Daniel's message. I don't know what I felt. It wasn't like the usual pain that I'd been feeling almost constantly for a while before he left, it was more... I'm not too sure what I felt. It wasn't good or bad, it was just there. I'm on the twenty-sixth floor, and I'm seeing all the clearers walking around happily, glad at the death of half the Army. It's so tempting to just think of them as uncaring bastards who just use the death of other humans as callously as I use a sword. But I'm trying not to, trying to reserve judgement and not immediately see them for what they could be. It's hard to do though, like trying to break a lifelong habit.

Maybe the thing with me is that I don't get to know the people, treating them like they don't exist. If I got to know them, maybe I wouldn't hate them as much. If I got to know them, then maybe I'd form sentimental attachments that would prevent me from hating them like that. Damn, I'm doing it again. If I look at it from that angle, I really don't know why I should, except that Daniel wants me to do it. He understood me, so maybe he understands what's best for me. When I think about it, doing things my way, being uncaring and unfeeling has hurt so much. I made myself like that to avoid being betrayed and harmed, but I was hurting the whole time.

Just how well did Daniel know me? I thought I was introspective, that I knew myself, but I was just blinded by fear. When Daniel said to find the beauty in people, did he mean to just know them, and if he did then that means he thinks there's an inherent beauty in everyone.

I've decided to just look at the different guilds, how they interact with each other, how they fight together, how they live together. It's not as bad as I'd feared. I guess after the the initial fear they've calmed down. I've observed quite a few guilds, and I can split them into a couple of groups. The first is the type that banded together before this whole thing. In other words, they were friends before the shit hit the fan. These groups are the most harmonious and tight-knit. They work well together, and have a really close bond. I'm pretty sure some of them have enjoyed a couple of nights together as well.

One of the groups that stood out the most from this category was one lead by a guy called Klein. I really couldn't believe how friendly he was. I was following them from behind, just watching them kill stuff in the meadows some kilometres outside the town for some quest they got from a random NPC when they saw me.

In retrospect it was pretty stupid of me to get caught. I should have walked away when I realized they were going into a place with no cover. I stayed because I was fascinated by how well they got on with each other, like an actual family. They had just finished killing off some Goblin Mages when one of them, I think he was called Dale, turned and saw me.

I thought they'd all chase me and threaten to kill me, but Klein just smiled "Are you having trouble? Do you need help levelling up, you don't have to hide, you know."

I was shocked, but as they stepped towards me I ran away. When I got back to town, I thought about that, and maybe I realized what kind of beauty Daniel was talking about, the kind that made people like Klein tender despite the circumstances.

The next group is the large guilds that group together for a specific purpose. Heathcliff's guild is one of those. They call themselves the Knights of the Blood Oath, or KoB for short. They're basically an alliance of guilds, and their main purpose is to clear floors. They're main goal is to make sure something like the 25th floor incident never happens again.

Another guild that falls into the same category is Laughing Coffin. Of course, I haven't observed them but there are loads of rumors concerning the leaders of that guild. I saw it coming, of course. With all the stress and emotions involved in this death game it was only natural that some people found killing as their outlet.

The last main group are the guilds that came together because of necessity, and these are the most unstable groups. I'd actually rather be with Laughing Coffin than these guilds, because they are plain unstable. I haven't seen it happen but it's realistic to say that a lot of them will just snap under the tension. Of course, that doesn't go for all groups, and I'm hoping I can find one that'll prove me wrong.


	15. Chapter 15

13th of June, 2023

I have to admit, the 27th floor is pretty cool. It's something like a huge delta that's ten kilometres across, with houses and towns built all along it. We just cleared the 26th floor boss yesterday, and everyone was relieved that no one died. I can actually understand their irrationality now. They know that the 26th floor should be easier, but there's just the fear of losing teammates. I still find it weird that people find it worth the friendship, but I accept that that's just how people are.

I think I can officially call myself a stalker now. Well, I always was but it was always among different guilds. Now I've just been stalking one particular one for a while. They're decent fighters, but since there's only the three of them they don't make as much progress clearing as other guilds. The reason I'm stalking them is because two of them are in love with each other. It's not just the "oh we're going to die so let's screw each other for the hell of it" love, it's the closest thing to love that I've seen since I've gotten here.

I first saw them clearing the 26th floor boss. It was like a huge bull that was four metres tall and two metres wide. I'm not too sure how long it was because any opportunity I had to look was spent running beneath its huge legs. and horns that could kill the weaker players in one hit. It charged around like hell and did huge damage to the tanks. It boiled down to the faster players dashing in between and chipping away at its health until it finally fell. No one died but that was only because the boss wasn't programmed to kill the tanks while they were weak. I think the clearers have gotten a little smarter since half the Army got annihilated. The tanks actually stayed down once they'd downed a couple of potions, and only one or two tried to go up against the bull again. Once they almost died twice they got the hint and stayed out of it.

I still haven't upgraded Sonic Gale, but the skill's useful for slashing at the boss and then getting the hell out. Of course, I didn't only use that or else I would have been crushed underfoot halfway into the fight. I've gotten better at using Dark Aura and those multiple slashes took off a decent chunk of its life, and I've also taken up curved sword skills for more effective AOE damage. The good thing about attacking such a big target is that the smaller damage ends up being inflicted on a bigger area and does quite a bit of damage.

Anyways, one of the tanks that got taken down got up again, and started to rise. "Masaki!" Some girl rushed up to him. "What the hell are you doing!? You can't win!"

The tank tried to brush her away but he was too weak to do so. Typical idiot. He tried to go forward, which obviously caught the boss' attention and it charged. Luckily, he got yanked out of the way by his partner. Why couldn't he see that he was just holding her back? I thought he was going to keep on going and get both of them killed, but the third guy came up to them and said "Can you even think about how Tarako would feel?"

First of all, they were lucky other clearers got the boss' attention or they would've gotten crushed. Second, the tank actually calmed down and stepped back, letting his two teammates do the work. And that got me thinking. Maybe love actually make people smarter sometimes, and the love and emotions I'd been seeing earlier was just fake and incomplete.

I hate to admit it but I got distracted seeing that and I would have died a couple of times if I hadn't used Sonic Gale to dash away. After we killed the huge bull, I followed the three of them up.

They're now on a boat off to kill some monsters somewhere. I hope they're not planning to settle down there or take a break because that would make observing them boring. I saw that the third person is Tarako's brother. The tank is actually pretty good: he regenerates health as he battles, which is still pretty rare this early in the game, and he swings a huge axe like I swing my sword around. The girl's a spear user and she's not bad either. She basically covers Masaki as he swings his axe around, making sure he doesn't get surrounded by monsters by keeping them at spear's length while her brother, Takuma, does the same on Masaki's other side with his sweeping scythe. You would have thought that they would have been unbalanced, but they work really well together, and they work like one person with six arms.

I haven't seen anything special today, but maybe I'll see something awe-inspiring tomorrow. Or maybe not.


	16. Chapter 16

**15th of June, 2023**

Well, even after all this time I still end up surprised sometimes at the end of the day. I never would have thought that I'd go from observing a guild to actually joining one. It wasn't really on purpose, but at least now I know that unless I upgrade my tracking or observing skills, there's no way I'm going to be able to stalk anyone anytime soon.

Like Klein's guild, they picked up on me, and the words just kind of came out. They were in a forest and I was skipping from tree to tree, but Takuma, Tarako's brother, whirled around and saw me.

They thought I was a PKer sent after them, but I asked them if they needed a someone to help Masaki frontline monsters. Takuma didn't seem to believe it, but Masaki and Tarako didn't mind and after checking me over for any Laughing Coffin tattoos, they accepted me just like that. That probably wasn't the best decision they might have made, but it allowed me in so I'm not going to complain.

It turns out they had gotten a quest from one of the towns to look into the disappearance of the neighbouring towns. We visited the place where the first town was supposed to be, and there was just a patch of ground.

We always have to be wary of the water. It's fine to drink, but there's almost always an ice-breathing eel or a huge crab that's lurking in the water. The first time that happened they were really taken by surprise, and it was only because of Takuma and Tarako's quick reflexes that the offending crocodile was kept at bay.

I saw how good a team they were. The crocodilecharged straight at us, but Tarako and Takuma used their weapons to hold back the crocodile so Masaki could get there. After I'd gotten over the initial shock, I came from behind and with four on one, the poor thing really didn''t stand a chance.

Good thing I wasn't there, because my first instinct is to run away when something unexpected happens. I was pretty close to running away when I got caught by Tarako and the rest, but I'm glad I didn't.

They've accepted me from the start, without question, with only the slightest of suspicions.

* * *

**19th of June, 2023**

I never thought I'd be saying this, but I feel happy. I'm not sure what I felt with Daniel; if I thought I was happy, or thought that it was a decent price to pay for being alone, but I feel happy now. It's a weird feeling.

We completed the quest yesterday, turns out that the villages were disappearing because of an onslaught of eels that ate the villages. Not too creative on the producers' part, but a quest makes for a quest. We ended it by going directly to the eels' nest and killing them off. I'm pretty impressed with how we found it, another perk of being with other people. Takuma isn't the best fighter but he's really worked on his Observation skills and he could pick out the eel nest just by walking around the floor. He's also been able to sense any land-based monsters coming our way and it's saved us a few fights.

We got to the eel nest and it got a little hairy in there. It was mainly because we hadn't anticipated how many eels there would have been. I started spamming Dark Aura and Vorpal Strike like there was no tomorrow, switching out between Masaki as Tarako and Takuma kept the eels from surrounding us. We fought along the walls and eventually got to the eggs without losing anything except for two-thirds of our potion supply. We let Takuma destroy the eggs quickly with his scythe while the rest of us made sure eels didn't get at him.

Afterwards, the eels all started to leave, guess Akihiko wasn't that sadistic, and we all collapsed on the ground laughing. It felt good, even though we could have died. When we got out we realized that we had been in there for hours, not thinking of anything or anyone else and just fighting. I don't know if this is what I didn't want to become: reckless and unthinking of the consequences. I am still thinking, and I seem to be rational, but my viewpoint is seriously subjective and I hope I'm not delusional as well as reckless and irrational.

We all levelled up, and that whole quest sealed our relationship. We really felt like a group and it feels great.

* * *

**27th of June, 2023**

Takuma's smart. I don't really say that often about anyone, and I've never said that about anyone in the game, but Takuma's smart. It's hard to be smart under all this stress, but he seems to be able to pull it off. Intelligence needs objective thinking and honest reflection, and objectiveness, thinking, and honesty all seem to be missing in this world.

I wasn't sure how far Tarako and Masaki have taken their relationship, so yesterday I asked Takuma if they were married or not. I didn't think so, because Takuma just raised his eyebrows and asked "Jealous?"

I raised an eyebrow and just gave him a look of disgust, or the best that I could manage.

It must've been pretty pathetic, because he said "Yup, definitely jealous. They were the reason you were following us weren't they."

I really wasn't expecting that, didn't think that anyone was that smart and perceptive. "What gave it away?" I asked.

"The fact that you're always looking at them like you've never seen something like that before, and you want to know as much as you can about it." I stared at him so he just continued "That's a pretty typical response from someone like you, but you'll never really learn about love unless you experience it."

I snorted. "Yeah, that's not going to happen. And what do you mean 'people like you'?"

He smiled and lay back down on the grass, watching Masaki and Tarako in the distance. They weren't talking much, but just seemed happy by being there. "Well, I say people like you, but I guess people like me would've been more accurate."

This was turning out extremely weirdly. I normally didn't ask questions. Information was power and when you wanted information, people holding it would have power over you. Takuma seemed to read my mind, or at least work out that I was curious.

"Let me guess, you don't want to be hurt by anyone so you distance yourself away from everyone. You hate everyone including yourself and find people like Tarako and Masaki fascinating."

He looked at me for confirmation. I didn't say anything but he seemed to understand that my silence meant yes. "I was like that as well, and still would be if it wasn't for Tarako. You know I wanted to paralyze Masaki the first week he and Tarako were seeing each other, I thought he was just a random con. I saw shadows everywhere I went, and started finding faults in players that weren't there."

That actually did sound a lot like me. If he was trying to psychoanalyze me he was doing a damn good job. "What's the point to all this?" I asked him.

"Just that you aren't alone. And that's pretty important to know." And with that he walked away.

I yelled after him, asking him what he meant, but he just ignored me. A meeting with an angel? I don't know. But I've already met two people who seem to understand me. Maybe the idea of not loving isn't as foreign as I'd thought.

Later on, we went up into the dungeon and started fighting. He acted like he we hadn't talked, and actually acted even more like a joker than ever. Tarako seemed to find it hilarious though, and so did Masaki. It's possible he acted like that exactly because it kept Tarako happy. Did he know what he was talking about? I have a feeling that we'll be getting to the boss floor soon, and I don't know if I want to do that with someone who might just be screwing with me for the hell of it.


	17. Chapter 17

2nd of July, 2023

I've been spending more time with Takuma, well, when I say spend time I just go out in the field with him, practicing while Tarako and Masaki do their own thing. Takuma isn't the most consistent friend. I really don't know if he was really serious or just dropping a bomb and running that time we talked. Ever since that day, he's acted like a real clown, catcalling after Tarako and Masaki, kill stealing at our practices, everything I'd find completely annoying.

I put up with him though. I personally don't think anyone could fake seriousness and say things that deep, but I just can't stand his idiocy. I actually cornered him and asked, "Why are you acting like this?" but he just said something ridiculous and kept on killing zombies.

Apart from that, moving up with this group's satisfying. I don't know if it's just seeing that Tarako will do anything for Masaki and vice-versa, or if it's the knowledge that these three will never betray one another, but I feel content around them.

We're on the 34th floor, and we're clearing the floors faster than before. I can see civilization getting built little by little. There are newspapers, keeping up with the trivial events on the floors. It's not the big acts of pure-heartedness but the little things of just trivial significance that keeps civilization going. Some morsel of wisdom Takuma told me in between his bouts of idiocy. It takes time for me to take in what he says, mostly because he acts like a huge idiot right afterwards. He's right though. Civilization is built with flashes of inspiration but it's maintained with the little tokens of order and peace.

The merchant guilds have also been established, and they're working on implementing some tower-wide pricing. It's never going to happen, since the situation on the frontlines is just too different from the situation below, but it's nice to see the effort being made.

The NPC' are also giving up their jobs for the players, so it's not that rare to see players in charge of smithies, or the inns. There are less and less people on the frontlines, and more and more just living a typical life, earning money and hanging out with friends. I can see why it's so much more appealing now. The temptation to just sit and live out your life in this new world, I don't feel it but I can understand it.

I asked Takuma why he's a clearer, and he said "Have you asked Tarako? She's the primary reason I'm going up. Of course, if she wasn't here I'd still go up but my resolve would definitely be much weaker."

That made me wonder why Tarako and Masaki were going up. If they really loved each other so much, why would they risk each others lives?

So I went to ask Masaki, but he just looked at me like the whole thing was trivial. "Tarako wants to go up badly, so I'll do everything I can to help her."

I really couldn't believe that Tarako's motives hadn't occurred to him. I didn't go to Tarako first because she was more perceptive, but was Masaki really that oblivious?

So, I went to see Tarako. I was a little nervous, I mean, I haven't talked to any girls for almost a year. I'm just more comfortable around guys, they're so much more predictable. OK, well, they're not, I've just been stereotyping guys more. I was still nervous though, around Takuma and the rest I started listening and paying attention to the world of Sword Art Online, and you hear all about the swindling women who use their charms to get what they want, or the promise of a little time alone with ethics mode off. I know there's no way in hell Tarako's anything like that, but old habits die hard, especially habits that are drilled into my head by hatred. Isn't fear a wonderful thing?

It was hard to get her alone. I only got Masaki alone because Tarako wanted to spend a little brother-sister time with Takuma. I was reluctant to play the let's-go-to-the-toilet-together trick, but I didn't see any other way to get her alone. She really seems reluctant to be on her own, something I wouldn't have noticed before. I literally had steam coming out of my ears (emotions are exaggerated in the game) when I asked if she needed to go to the toilet. In retrospect I really should have asked her in front of Masaki. I had thought that it would have been awkward in front of him, but when I said it in front of Takuma he fell off his chair laughing. There goes my theory that he throws verbal grenades and runs, he knew exactly what I was up to.

Tarako looked at me weirdly, but we both went out. When I said I had used going to the toilet to get the two of us alone she actually backed away. Yeah, there were definitely better ways that could have come out. Anyways, I asked her why she wanted to be a frontliner. I had to repeat it because it came out in a gabble the first time. When she understood, she looked thoughtful.

"I...I never really thought about it." She said. Glad to know that obliviousness wasn't an anomaly here. She thought for a little bit more, then said, "Isn't it normal, to want to see your friends and family again?"

I asked her if she thought going up would be dangerous to Masaki. Her eyes widened and she looked thoughtful. "Well, Masaki knows what he's getting into, doesn't he?"

I hope I didn't end up wavering her resolve, but did she really not think about anything? I quickly said that I was just thinking about a friend of mine, and that seemed to reassure her. It was a lie, of course, but Tarako seemed to use friends to disillusion her, so she could obviously believe it if it happened to me.

All the talk about friends made me think of Daniel again. Did he really know what might happen after he left? I sometimes feel a little guilty about enjoying myself like this when Daniel's on his own. Of course, there's no guarantee that he'll be alone. Thinking about it he'll almost certainly be in a guild to live and survive. I know that now, and I don't need any proof or facts, I just take it on faith. It's a nice thing, even though I know full well that it's unrealistic and will never add up to anything.

* * *

**A/N: So, that's the next chapter and the last one I'll be posting in a while. I'm going to somewhere with no wifi for a month, so I won't be able to keep on posting. Thanks again to Desdendelle for proof reading. Enjoy this chapter, and see you all back in July!**


	18. Chapter 18

14th of July, 2023

Humans are really just so freaking fragile. I'm not talking about bodies; I knew that tendons, muscles, ligaments, everything could snap by walking unbalanced. Even before this new life (I don't like calling it a game) started I knew how easy it was to break bodies. Now it's so much easier, just a couple of algorithms and everyone starts dropping like raindrops. One slice from a non-existent bunch of pixels can kill us, even if we don't feel anything.

That's not what I'm talking about though. I found out how fragile minds are. Then again, in retrospect my mind was probably cracking up, something only Daniel saw. Well, I suppose that strengthens my case anyways. Back to the topic, I really can't imagine how many ways the mind could get cracked. And even though I see it happening, I still don't understand any of it.

I guess it's my fault as well as Tarako's. When I asked her what must have been the deepest questions she ever heard she had to have really thought it over. In retrospect, I should have taken the hints from Masaki. He had been telling us about how Tarako was getting a little overprotective, starting to worry a little about him taking too many risks; so serves me right for being off in my own world.

Things came to a head last night. We'd just gotten back from another quest, finding some NPC's golden watch that just happened to be guarded by ravenous magpies with beaks dripping with paralyzing poison. Masaki got stung and started getting pecked to death by the horde. I saw sense (at least I did at the time, I hope) and started climbing the tree where the watch was. I only found out what happened when I got down and Tarako ran at me with her spear.

I threw the watch to Takuma, who had a grim smile on his face. I think smiling's his defense mechanism, just like getting scared is mine. I'm glad I figured that out because at the time I thought he found the situation hilarious, which made me want to slash his hand off.

I can't really recall exactly what she said, but it was along the lines of "What-the-fuck-were-you-doing-you-just-left-Masaki -you're-a-complete-fucktard..." etc. I tried to get a word in, but realized that wasn't going to be possible, and it wouldn't help in any way. Her irrationality really pissed me off. Everything worked out fine, and if I didn't climb the tree we would have been at a huge disadvantage when the magpies all gathered around the nest. I told this to her, but she didn't listen, just gave me the finger and stalked off.

Later, I found Takuma and asked him what I should have done. I've never been one to doubt my actions; if I start doubting myself as well as everyone around me what do I have left? Travelling in a group is different though, and I was wondering if there was some other way I should have acted.

Takuma just looked at me and said "Everyone's different. You make decisions based on logic, Tarako does things based on feelings."

Was that just his way of saying I was rational and Tarako wasn't? I asked him that, but he just shook his head "Irrational is when we do something out of the ordinary. I'm sure you've noticed how many decisions made in this game are down to feelings. I'd go so far as to say that thinking things through with logic is irrational."

Well, congrats to Akihiko for making a world where thinking logically was irrational. That still didn't answer the question of what I should have done. When I asked Takuma, he thought for a bit, then said "You are you. What you should have done is what you would have done. Don't think about it too much, just because someone you value starts seeing you in a different way."

I told him I didn't value Tarako's opinion, but he didn't believe me.

17th of July, 2023

I suppose we're all over that incident with Masaki nearly getting pecked to death. At least, that's how Tarako thinks of it. For me, that was the incident that made me realize how easily connections can be broken apart. Things still aren't the same between Tarako and I. She's gone past the glaring-at-me-every-time-I-walk-by stage, and now she's in the stage where she's just ignoring me, which is fine seeing as I don't really feel like apologizing to her. That is probably what she's waiting to hear, but I'm not going to fold.

I probably should, because then it might go back to how it was, but I won't. I'm not going to lie just to keep up the illusion that we all love each and every bit of each other. Masaki's trying to reconcile this whole thing between Tarako and I, and I feel a little sorry for him. He came up to me this afternoon when we had finished grinding and told me that Tarako was just being protective, she meant well, etc.

I asked him if he had been in much danger of dying, and he hedged around that answer. I guess this wasn't going to be a conversation where either of us were going to be honest with each other. He then went on this spiel about how everything would be much better if Tarako and I made up, and that Tarako shouldn't have attacked me that day.

I can't be sure if Tarako sent him, or if Masaki had taken it upon himself to do it. I'm pretty sure it's the latter because he's just that sort of guy to wants everyone of us to be in Happyland. I smiled and said that I'd think about it, and he seemed happy with that and left.

With brain power like that, I don't know how he and Tarako made it so far into the game without being betrayed or conned. It must have been Takuma. I don't get why Takuma hasn't gotten sick of them already. I definitely would have left two idiots like that to die long ago. Is it only because Tarako's his sister? I suppose that could be a reason, but if Takuma really found Tarako unbearable to be with, he'd leave her.

I guess that's just life: tolerating people's bad traits for their good ones. No one's perfect, and we just have to choose to be with people's whose good traits we value. I should just be glad that I get to choose who I'm with. That doesn't explain why Daniel stuck to me, though. Does that mean he thought putting up with me was worth it? I can't remember once showing a good trait in the months that we were together, but something must have kept him with me for all that time. Completely irrational, but I guess that's the norm in this world.

So, I'll put up with Tarako, because Takuma does, and I trust that he has a good reason. You have to put your trust in someone, and Takuma seems like the most rational person in this world.


	19. Chapter 19

17th of August, 2023

I never really liked uniforms; I felt uncomfortable in them and I still do now. But when in Rome, do as Romans do, and when in KoB, I guess we have to do as the KoB do, which includes wearing a pretty flashy red and white outfit. Compared to the one the commanders wear it isn't really flashy, but I feel really awkward in it, especially because everyone gives me looks when I walk into town wearing it. I've spent the whole game in basic anonymity, it feels weird people noticing me now. I know that they're just noticing the uniform and not me as a person so it doesn't really matter, but feeling their eyes on me is just slightly disconcerting.

It's interesting if you look at them closely, though. They all think differently when they see us with these uniforms. Sometimes they were admiring us, thinking that we were their heroes in shining armour, fighting to save them from this world. Others were curious, wondering who we were, and what kind of people we were. I'm pretty sure we'll get information mongerers spying on us for a while. Then there were those envious are pissed at us. Half of these were the Divine Dragon Alliance. They were the biggest, but KoB was the best. And made of better people, or at least people who hid their own desires better than the DDA did. Some of the rest were PK'ers or criminals who'd been locked up by KoB members. The rest were just normal people jealous of us for various reasons I didn't really care about.

This whole thing was pretty sudden. It was a few days after we'd cleared the 43rd floor boss, and we were practicing when Asuna approached us. I'm pretty sure KoB are using her as some sort of poster girl, especially since she's one of the only girls in the guild. She came out with it straight "Do you want to join KoB?"

Of course, Takuma accepted. Who wouldn't? I was a little apprehensive signing up, more because I thought we would have less freedom than before, but it turns out that for all the propaganda about KoB the only difference is that we get assigned a certain area of the dungeon to explore. We basically get to do what we want. Pretty rare with powerful people. In my experience, people in charge of a huge organization wants to control everything, making it clear who's the head honcho of all this.

This Heathcliff almost seems too good to be true; he's smart, moral, and unbelievably strong. Normally I would've walked away, but I want to be with Takuma and the rest, and even if I am suspicious I want to believe that there are people like that. He doesn't do much, leaving most of the work to his vice-captain, Asuna, and the rest of the captains. There's also a lot of admin staff for a guild, but I guess one of the things that's kept KoB running is organization.

They assigned the four of us to a part of the dungeon, where we had to clear away Dark Elves. They were pretty annoying, having agile frontliners with curved swords while archers sniped the hell out of us. It seemed a little unfair that they were allowed long range attacks and we weren't. We still went with the old strategy and had Masaki and I charge through to the archers while Tarako and Takuma kept the sword swinging elves off our back. Masaki covered me since he could regenerate his health, and when we got to the archers, killing them off was child's play.

I'm not sure how Heathcliff gets the money, but we get paid a little as well. Not as much as our loot normally yields, but more than a token gift. How does KoB function? Maybe it sends out some of the top players to loot the more dangerous spots repeatedly, or maybe it got discounts from merchants when they were buying stuff. I don't think it's the latter option. The thought of merchants giving discounts doesn't come easily, and I know it's not just cynicism when Takuma agreed with me.

Tarako and Masaki are happy again. I think they've forgotten the incident with the magpies. It's so easy to forget things. How we felt, what we did, how we saw the world. Maybe it's the security of being in such a big guild like the KoB that gives Tarako the reassurance she needs. Masaki's happy simply because Tarako's happy; but, that's Masaki for you.

He never really cares much about himself, drawing happiness from Tarako. Takuma seems the same as always, but I can tell he's happier as well. He's more relaxed, and more open with his feelings. Whenever he's been stressed he grins sardonically and stiffens up. When he's relaxed, he doesn't do much with his face, but he talks more and he even laughs occasionally.

So here we are, still fighting together, except we have KoB uniforms and much better equipment to boot. And here's me thinking that life is good.


	20. Chapter 20

20th of August, 2023

You don't get dreams in this world, so daydreaming is the closest you get. I remembered what an ordinary day used to be. I'd get up, ignore my annoying brother, have breakfast, then go to school. School used to be the crux of my world. I was almost graduating, so there was a lot of stress in my year about exams. I'd ignore everyone there as well, knowing I'd get pissed off at their immaturity if I hung around them for too long. I didn't really try, but I got decent grades so no one really paid attention. I guess I didn't really care, back then. I wasn't used to being around people and feeling their emotions.

Then I came here and got surrounded by raw emotion and I sort of broke. Man, looking back I don't know how Daniel put up with me. I was scared and paranoid of everyone. Maybe it was because I didn't have any experience with people. Everyone's afraid of what they don't understand, and I sure was afraid of what I didn't understand. When I'm not afraid, though, what am I? I don't even know why I'm climbing up, except that I want to be with the other three. How much better and logical does that make from Masaki, who didn't even think of his reasons and only thought of Tarako's.

And what about now? A normal day for me is getting up, having breakfast with Takuma and the rest, then going out and clearing the dungeon set to us. We rest until it's time for dinner, then eat and fall asleep. Occasionally there are boss fights, but even those aren't as terrifying as they were. We've gotten good at killing bosses, and when Heathcliff's there it almost becomes easy. When he's not there are at least two other generals, almost always Asuna and someone else. Either Heathcliff or Asuna are at a boss fight, and sometimes they're both there. Of course, there are other KoB members, but they are the best by a long shot. The other generals don't match up to Asuna let alone Heathcliff.

Still, we haven't had a single casualty in a long time, and there's a sense of success that's going through the whole guild. It might take a while but we'll definitely be able to get back home.

There have been times where we work together with other members of the guild, and once where I had to go help another group who needed a front liner. There isn't much difference either way, but I'm surprised with how relieved I am to be just with the three of them, and without anyone else. I feel as comfortable around them as I do myself, and I completely let my guard down whenever they're with me. Fighting with the other group of KoB members, I wasn't suspicious and I didn't think they'd pull anything, but I never fully committed myself to the charges, always making sure I was aware of the others. Ambushing others while they're fighting's much easier than on paper. Fighting completely sucks you in and you lose all concentration for anything but the enemy in front of you.

Yeah, you don't get dreams in this world, but you do get daydreams and reflections; both of which are more useful and more pleasant. What do I daydream about? Mostly seeing Daniel again, and clearing the game with Tarako, Masaki and Takuma. Surprisingly little about my family, and when I do it's tinged with nostalgia, not sorrow or bitterness. Time heals I guess.

We're on the 47th floor, and it's almost as if society's rebuilt itself. Going into the towns on the mid-levels, there are every kinds of niches being filled. Scavengers to farm for materials, merchants they sell them to for a discounted price, merchants selling these materials to clearers for an inflated price. Just like the real world.

Unlike the real world, there aren't any slums. For one thing, to build anything you need skill points in carpentry, and if you have skill points to spare, then you aren't in need of slums. Besides, a lot of the third world problems of developing cities are non-existent here. Drugs don't exist, and sanitary problems are already taken care of. Getting sick is a possibility if you stay out in the rain for too long, but diseases like AIDS or dysentery don't exist either.

In some ways, Akihiko's made this world better than the real one. Another reason slums don't exist is because there's just such an easy way to earn money. Aside from that, everyone is generally more friendly than before. There are exceptions like assholes and PK'ers, but your average guy is friendly as says hi on the streets because you know that you won't be seeing much else until this game is cleared.

I find myself cursing and admiring Akihiko at times. Did he know this would happen, or did he hope? Maybe this was why he wanted to do this: to see what would happen. This really is a virtual world, but one I'm glad to be living in.


	21. Chapter 21

**23rd of October, 2023**

I'm nervous. More nervous than I've been for months. I keep on telling myself that history won't repeat itself; that just because I've gone up another 25 floors I won't have anyone leave me. Of course, I know that it's ridiculous to entertain the thought that Takuma, Tarako or Masaki might leave me, but I just keep on worrying.

Everyone else thinks I'm just nervous because the 50th floor boss would be extremely overpowered. Of course, there's that risk too. But I'm much more scared of getting left on my own than by dying. It's a significant change, but I'm not going to bother reading into it right now. The old me would have thought a lot about what charging into a place where he really might die and turn, but that's not who I am.

Almost a hundred clearers are gathering on the field. Algade's a nice town but no one really cares right now. All the smiths are overflowing with customers, but none of them are complaining. Everyone knows how screwed we all are. Even if we do kill off the boss, there's still a huge chance that one of us will die. There's this smith called Egil, constantly checking up on people's gear, making sure none of it will break during the fight. The whole town square's crowded with most of the clearers preparing, but it's not a good idea. Fear, like stupidity, is contagious and I could sense the fear from our inn.

We all knew it would come soon. We were already nervous clearing the 50th floor dungeon, and we did it more slower than any of the others. It was as if we thought we could put off the inevitable forever and never find the boss room.

We did, of course, and after that Heathcliff sent the notices, pulling in all KoB members and sending out cries for help to the other clearing guilds. You would have thought that Considering how DDA is always talking about how they're better than the KoB, they would have actually come. Of course, there are a couple of groups, but they're just token support, and I know who the first people to run when the shit hits the fan will be.

I just saw Asuna come with her regular entourage. Pretty stupid how KoB has to keep up appearances and give her guards; Asuna's her own best protector. I also saw some soloists and freelance clearers come in, looking about nervously. I don't trust them. I trust them more than the DDA, but there's no way I'm relying on these. They might crumble and run, and if one runs they all run. There are situations where I can overlook the inherent cowardice in people, but going into the 50th floor boss room isn't one of them. There was one that stood out. I never paid attention to gossip around the tower, but Tarako called him the Black Swordsman. He was a soloist, but he moved around confidently, even nodding and talking to Heathcliff. I just felt I could trust him. Maybe it was the fact that he didn't bluster or brag to cover up his anxiety. This guy was genuine, real, and by the way he moved around he also seemed competent.

The four of us aren't that bad either, and we've moved up a little in the ranks in KoB, even though I don't really care. Masaki can swing that axe of his and kill most monsters in two hits. Tarako can thrust her spear as fast as those players who use rapiers, and she's raised her dexterity so much almost half of her hits are critical. With Takuma's scythe he can basically clear a huge circle around him keeping any kind of enemy at bay all by himself.

We've gotten closer too. We don't argue that much, and Tarako and Masaki have accepted me as "over-protective". I objected to that, but Takuma looked at me pointedly, and I knew he was telling me that it wasn't worth the fight. I guess I'm learning tolerance; being able to put up with what I found disgusting a couple of months ago. Tarako still finds it difficult to think about people other then her and Masaki. Masaki's still not the sharpest sword in the inventory, but has a good heart. Takuma still acts like a total goof to hide his wisdom, yet he gives me these looks that tell me when I'm acting as I should or when I've gone too far. None of them have changed. I'm finding it hard to imagine what could make them change.

And then there's me, and I don't know what I am or what I've changed into. I'm not a monster; I'm not a coward; I'm not a hero; I'm not a romantic; I don't know what I am. There is something that I'm definitely not though. I'm not going to run. I'm not going to turn tail and run like last time. Fuck saving myself, fuck running, fuck everything that I've been doing up until now. I am not abandoning anyone, even if they abandon me. And Takuma, Tarako and Masaki had better not even think of dying. I want to get out of this alive more than I've ever wanted anything, even in my old life. I've never wanted something so badly before.


	22. Chapter 22

24th of October, 2023

It's funny how confident I was that day. I've got to admit, Heathcliff is the best player in the game. He is someone I could follow and someone whom I could absolutely trust. It's not much comfort in the aftermath but it's something.

Ah, fuck. Even I can tell I'm just beating around the bush, but I don't want to face up to the fact that Takuma's dead. In a way, apart from the unlikely event that all of us survived it's the best outcome. If Masaki died, Tarako'd fall apart and Takuma'd tear himself up because he couldn't do anything. Same goes for Tarako. Of course I suppose the best result for them would be if I died, but that's definitely not the best result for me.

I still don't know who I am, but I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to leave KoB, and kill every single one of the so-called clearers who killed Takuma and a dozen more.

It started off fine, but everything went to hell when the boss attacked.

It looked like some six armed buddha made of steel, with spears, an axe, swords, and a knife. It could cover mid-range and short range amazingly. It rushed at this random soloist and it killed him in one combo. That made all the cowards falter, but Heathcliff rallied all of us. He yelled and charged, along with Asuna and the other general from KoB. They held back the boss to give the rest of KoB enough time to get the rest organized. I could see Klein and his bunch rushing in as well as the Black Swordsman. As for the rest, I didn't pay attention. It's hard to when you've got swords and spears stabbing at you so quickly you can't even think of attacking. That thing was fast, and we couldn't rely on the normal pin-it-down-and-hack-at-it method that normally works for bosses. Even Heathcliff couldn't block its charges, and he had to scramble along with the rest of us.

It was going fine until we'd hacked at around half of his life. Then shit really hit the fan. It jumped up, and suddenly started throwing all of its weapons from above. That killed off one whole guild straight away. It jumped to the middle of our formation, picked up its weapons, and started killing off clearers in an instant. That was too much for everyone else and they started running. I knew it was almost certainly going to happen, but it still left a bad taste in my mouth. I hadn't trusted them, but I was pissed that Heathcliff had.

There was this one guild that ended up back to back against us. It was one of the only ones that hadn't run off. We exchanged a couple of tense words, and I found out their names were the Golden Companions. I looked around quickly, making sure the four of us were still alive. Masaki was on two-thirds health, but Takuma and Tarako had both drank health potions. I took a glance at my HP bar and realized I was on 50%, but before I could drink it the boss came whirling at us again. It wasn't stronger than normal, but after killing off more than 10 people in less than 10 seconds, everyone stepped back involuntarily.

But I did my job, and Masaki and I rushed at the boss along with two others from the Golden Companions. We dodged the weapons fine and soon, Heathcliff came rushing in along with the Black Swordsman. We were doing fine until the boss jumped up again and started throwing its weapons. I spun around as one of the Golden Companions got impaled by a huge sword, then kicked Takuma out of the way of a spear. The boss landed, but instead of picking up its weapons it ran and kicked Masaki before punching another one of the Golden Companions. That did it for them, and the rest of them ran. Takuma turned and yelled at them to come back, and then his mouth kept on hanging open. I didn't realized what had happened until I saw the sword behind Takuma after he disappeared into a million shards of light.

I didn't remember anything afterwards; well, that's a lie. I remember a lot of screaming, although I can't remember if it was me, Masaki or Tarako. I remember slashing out, using all my skills. After that, it just seemed like I went berserk, and I the next thing I remember the Black Swordsman's forcing a health potion down my throat. I looked at my HP bar, and saw it at 20% and rising. I really must have come close to dying. Then I looked over and saw Tarako sobbing in Masaki's arms. I staggered up, brushing past the Black Swordsman's arms. I walked over to them and just looked down, not knowing what to say. I turned to the Black Swordsman and asked him what happened. First, he asked me to call him Kirito, then he said that we'd lasted until reinforcements had arrived and together we'd defeated the boss.

Yeah, great consolation. I asked about the Golden Companions, and Kirito just gave me a blank stare. Heathcliff knew though; his HP was at around 60%, and he looked weary and saddened. He told me that they had been one of the last ones to flee.

Kirito looked at me sadly, and walked away. Maybe this was why he was a soloist. Because he didn't want to experience losses like these. The expression on his face belonged to someone who had suffered losses before and never wanted to experience them again.

In the inn, listening to Tarako and Masaki cry, that doesn't seem like such a bad way of life. It's not as rewarding, but not as much risk either. I haven't cried. Like my tears were gone those first few days. Takuma would understand, though. He'd understand that just because I didn't cry, it didn't mean I didn't care. He always knew that beneath the outer layer was so many intricacies hidden within. He taught me tolerance; how to view people and not only see their faults. And a fat lot of good that did him.


	23. Chapter 23

30th of October, 2023

It's almost halloween.

Whoop de doo. All the other clearers are out on this break. KoB said that all members who wanted to could take a couple weeks leave because of the 50th floor boss. It's probably going to just be an excuse to get drunk, but it's having that emotional bond to the outside world that gives everyone else a nice feeling. Its a nice touch. It's working on me as well. I'm getting all nostalgic thinking of the days when my brother and I dressed up in ridiculous costumes and went around the houses knocking for candy.

But there's another reason all the clearing guilds have come out from the frontlines, even though they won't admit it. It's kind of funny the way they actually are nostalgic even though they're using it as a front for something else.

Akihiko mentioned before this whole thing started that there would be special quests at each festival, so everyone's looking around on red alert. Of course, that doesn't mean we can't take advantage of the date and be all nostalgic.

I don't care about any of that stuff, though. There's only one reason I'm down here, and that's to kill each one of those bastards who left Takuma to die.

I asked Heathcliff if he noted down which guilds he had invited to the dungeon. He said that he had a list of some, but there were some guilds that just came randomly when they felt like it. I mentioned the Golden Companions, but he immediately clammed up. He knew what I wanted to do, and he wasn't going to help me go orange.

I didn't really know how to say goodbye to Tarako and Masaki. They wouldn't want me killing anyone for Takuma, and neither would Daniel or Takuma for that matter. I don't really care though. I'm not pretentious enough to say who anyone deserves to die, but the fact that someone as wise as Takuma died while cowards like them ran free pisses me off so much. Takuma shouldn't have died. He was the smartest, the wisest, the most generous. Why couldn't it have been anyone else?

I've spent the last few days asking around. The good thing about clearing being undertaken by a small group of people is that everyone knows everyone, and a lot of people knew the Golden Companions beforehand. I was surprised to find that people recognized me as well. We hadn't talked, but I was generally known as the quiet female swordsman in Tarako and Masaki's group. I hadn't realized how much attention Tarako and Masaki had gotten for being together. I guess its because of the rarity of having two people going out and on the frontlines at the same time. Some people thought the two of them were married, but I didn't contradict them.

Klein was one of the first I talked to. I met him outside the dungeon with the rest of his guild, and it wasn't a happy reunion. It was obvious from the moment I saw him that he'd lost someone as well.

"I heard Takuma died as well," he said. I was suspicious, and thought he knew what I was going to do to the Golden Companions, but he didn't go any further. Instead, he asked if I wanted to talk about it. I've never understood this obsession with people wanting to talk about their bad moments. Who'd want to relive them like that? I shook my head, and said goodbye to him.

I nodded and asked, "How many of yours died?"

"One. Edmund. He was our whip user. We all knew it would be dangerous, but still."

I knew what Klein wanted to say. Everyone knew the risks, but it never lessened the pain. I wanted to say more; how I admired his courage and selflessness, how I wanted to thank him for his help, but I couldn't without seeming suspicious.

I'm sad now thinking about it. That was the last time we'd be able to talk to each other one clearer to another. The next time we'd meet would probably be if he hunted me down as a PK'er. Instead, I just nodded again and took off without saying another word.

Talking to the other guilds, I got the same message. They knew of the Golden Companions, but didn't know where they were. The grief and sorrow throughout the clearing community was also the same. I already knew that I was being selfish, killing people for revenge, but seeing the grief of all the clearers drove home how small and insignificant the death of Takuma was. Just the fact that I was going to add to that death toll sure makes me look pathetic.

I'm prowling around the more populated parts, hoping to run into the Golden Companions. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Either way, I feel bad when I think about Tarako and Masaki. I don't think I was that good friends with them, but it probably hurts them to be on their own, just the two of them. And here I am adding to that pain.

They could use me just for my familiar presence. Instead, I'm just going to put my own desires before their needs. If I do find the Golden Companions and kill them, I'll never be able to see Tarako and Masaki again. And here I was, thinking I was actually good.

I'll find them, that's for sure; but, I'm not sure how much my resolve has weakened. We'll see when we meet.


End file.
